Mercy's Motherhood

Motherhood: Being Tough is Not Enough

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. I sent my excited kindergartener off to school with his jar of salsa for the fiesta, not knowing that it would be a day that would forever change the life of our family. After the older kids got on the bus, my husband took our eight-year-old son to the doctor for what I thought was a bladder infection. Our son has asthma and severe eczema and suffers a great deal from these ailments and has been very cranky for weeks. Within twenty minutes of arriving at the doctor, my husband was told that our son was also suffering from Type I Diabetes. His disease will require daily shots of insulin and a strict diet. John was also informed compassionately by our very loving, supportive, Catholic friend and pediatrician....that it was "another" auto-immune disorder.

I say "another" auto-immune disorder, because last December, we spent a week at UVA Children's Hospital with our four-year-old daughter, where she was diagnosed with Auto-Immune Liver Disease. Dr. Werner later told me that she regreted deeply having to tell John that we were facing another auto-immune disorder, and she knows how hard this all must be for us to absorb. It is hard. I'm finding it extremely difficult and I'm agonizing in my heart about being able to meet another child's medical needs. I've been told by many people that God doesn't ever give you anything that you can't handle. I've felt a lot of pressure after a well-meaning person has said this to me. It seems the burden is placed squarely on my ability to "handle" the situation. It is almost like suck it up, gather yourself together and move on. This is true to some extent, we do have to find strength somewhere inside ourselves, but what so many people fail to realize is that being tough is not enough. Eventually, the effects of being tough will manifest themselves in personal illness, psychological issues or even addictions if we focus only on our own ability to handle the situation.

Amazing Grace, Divine Mercy and Holy Nudges

We can not lean on our own understanding, we must ask for grace and mercy. Grace is freely given from God, we can't earn it, but we can ask for it. Yesterday, I was beside myself after hanging up the phone with my husband. I cried out, "God, help me, my little boy, why my little boy, he is already suffering so much?" Immediately, I felt the urge to call my SOUL SISTER Hannah. I simply asked her for her prayers, that's all I could do. I also told her that it seems this disorder comes from my bad gene pool and she quickly rebuked me in a kind and compassionate way saying, "Mary this is not your fault, you can not blame yourself. God loves you and Justin and He is with you now. He will give you the graces you need."

Later on in the afternoon, Hannah emailed me with some amazing news. She was in her office at the church and flipped over a Liturgy magazine that had been sitting on her desk for several days. On the back cover was the following:

Saint Pauline of the Agonizing Heart of Jesus (1865-1942)

O St. Pauline Visintainer, always trusting in God,

having suffered yourself with the affliction of diabetes,

and ever faithful in responding to Our Lady's call

to help diabetics and all the suffering in the world,

we ask your loving care over the Church that you

love so dearly; we entrust to your loving care our lives,

our famiilies  and all of God's people.

Hannah sat there and typed out the entire article about St. Pauline for me and put it in her email! She said she just couldn't wait to get me a copy. I'm so glad she did. This prayer brought me so much comfort. I'm a self-ascribed Handmaid of Mercy, dedicated to spreading the Divine Mercy Message, "Jesus, I Trust in You.",  yet I needed something to remind me of that message. "O St. Pauline, always trusting in God...." ALWAYS trusting in God at all times, I couldn't remember that in my agonizing heart, but through God's grace and Hannah's willingness to be a handmaid of mercy, I was reminded to put my trust in Him.

You know, the patron saint of diabetics could have had any name, but her chosen name was Pauline. In 2007, I had a sudden unexpected miscarriage. I felt in my heart the baby was a girl and named her JoHannah Paulina after Pope John Paul II and my dear soul sister Hannah. It is no mere coincidence that it was Hannah that found the information about St. Paulina. I truly believe that my little saint in heaven Johannah Paulina interceded on behalf of her brother, by sending a holy nudge to her spiritual godmother on earth. This very small act of turning over a magazine while immersed in thoughts and prayers for our family turned out to be a tremendous act of mercy for a mother with an agonizing heart.

Reflections from Heaven

Several years ago, I was directing the Children's Choir at our church and Hannah was playing the organ. During the rehearsal, I turned around to look at the clock and noticed a beautiful round circle of light on the back wall outside of the confessional. I said to Hannah, "Look at that, doesn't it look like the Eucharist?" She said that she had seen that before and thought the same thing. We pointed it out to the children, who were by the way preparing to sing for First Communion. So, every week we watched for the stained-glass induced Eucharist on the wall. The amazing thing is that the stained-glass window with a cross and a bleeding heart representing Precious Blood has no white glass in it.

Last night, before heading to the hospital, I stopped by the church to offer my prayers for Justin before the Blessed Sacrament. I sobbed more deeply than I ever have while alone in the Church with Our Lord. I let it loose, I let it go, and turned it all over to Him. I asked for direction and immediately the words of the Memorae came to my mind about Our Blessed Mother never abandoning us and then the Hail Holy Queen came to my lips and I began to sing them out loud:

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of MERCY, our life, our sweetness and our HOPE, to Thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send out our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then Most Gracious Advocate, Thine eyes of Mercy towards us. And after this, our exile, show unto us the Blessed Fruit of Thy womb, Jesus. O Clement, O Loving, O Sweet Virgin Mary. Amen.

It is May, the month dedicated to Our Blessed Mother. It is also the Month for First Communion and May crowning. On Saturday, May 3, 2008, my Justin received his First Holy Communion. On Sunday, May 4, 2008 he received his second communion and crowned the statue of the Virgin Mary with his brothers and sisters. On May 5, 2008 he received his lifelong cross of insulin dependent diabetes. As I sat pondering all of this and looking up at Justin's First Communion banner, I wondered if the stain-glassed Eucharist was on the back wall. I turned looking behind me and it wasn't there. I said my final prayers and genuflected beside my pew. As I turned to leave, I looked over at the pew across the aisle from me, where a small white round circle the size of a dessert plate was reflected on that pew. My Eucharistic reminder was no longer behind me or a figment of my past experience, but was seated right beside me, reminding me that Jesus is right beside me at all times, it is up to me to take His hand and the hand of His Blessed Mother like a little child and let them lead me wherever I need to go.....the hospital, the pharmacy, the specialists, or uncharted waters.

Mary Kidd Flemming, Founder of The Handmaids of Mercy www.handmaidsofmercy.typepad.com

Mary's blog about TRUTH, www.splendor-of-truth.com

Other Blogging by Mary Kidd Flemming concerning parenting issues and family life can be found at www.thecompassrose.typepad.com

You may also be interested in visiting www.crossroadsfamilycenter.com the website of Crossroads Professional Counseling and Family Life Center, owned and operated by John A Flemming, LPC. 

Comments

[Nancy]

This is absolutly beautiful! Thanks you. My son is a type 1 and we are making big decisions this week. I found this post while searching for a Ptaron Saint of Diabetics. St. Pualine and the Divine Mercy, perfect. Thanks again.