The Grand Scheme of Things
Ecclesiastes 7:29 "Truly, this only I have found: That God made man upright, But they have sought out many schemes."
"The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man." - Introduction to the Book of Job, G.K. Chesterton
The “theme of scheme” has become a reoccurring theme during the course of the last year as our normal routine has become all but normal and our children have struggled with trying to find their way in the midst of difficult uncertainties. Each of our children definitely takes their turn trying their hand at scheming to get what they want , when they want it.
I know that it is developmentally appropriate behavior for children to experiment with diverse methods for getting what they want, but it can become very complicated when there are six children taking their turn at the scheming. The normal dilemmas include getting more of some special food than another, springing social events on us at the last minute , and getting something from one parent when the other parent already told you “no”. Recently, we’ve even been dealing with not telling the truth about a glucometer reading in order to get a desired outcome… extra carbs or going home “sick” from school!
A good portion of my interaction with my six children is spent unraveling their interwoven schemes… whose being truthful and who is not, who has an ulterior motive and who does not and who is manipulating the situation and who is not. Coming to the realization that your child is “manipulating” a situation or “scheming” for a desired outcome, can be troublesome.
Walking the Tightrope
As a parent, I liken it to leading your little ducklings on a tightrope that leads to the height of your aspirations for them, when suddenly the tightrope goes from a taut straight line ascending to the heights of good behavior to a sudden limp and unstable fall to the depths of shaky or even bad behavior. Sometimes as parents, we have to even allow them to fall from the tightrope, when they are dangling perilously close to the bottom, yet be prepared to be the netting that keeps them from hitting the ground. When this undesired behavior happens, I often have a physical reaction---my heart sinks—I recall learning a few lessons as a teenager about making “sneaky” ,“dishonest” or “manipulative” choices in life, and admittedly, when my kids are sneaky, dishonest or manipulative, it brings to the forefront those uneasy feelings once again. Pondering how we want to approach this behavior with our children is a healthy thing, and remembering our own falls from grace makes us more merciful in giving consequence.
We know that teaching our children to evaluate their mistakes or poor choices, and most importantly, to take ownership of them is not only a rite of passage leading to better decision making abilities, but it is also an opportunity for our family to grow closer together. Teaching our kids that we all make mistakes and we all have to evaluate them and accept responsibility for them naturally leads to making reparations for our mistakes as well. Taking responsibility for your actions, builds an environment of trust….trust that you will be forgiven when you ask for forgiveness and that you will forgive when asked for forgiveness.
The Element of Trust
There is one thing I know for certain, we don’t want manipulative behavior and half-baked schemes to continue into adulthood. It is so sad to encounter an adult that has never learned any other way of dealing with the events of their life than falsehoods and manipulation of people or situations.
We want our children to learn to be truthful, straight-forward, honest, civil , and respectful in their dealings with others while imploring a certain assertiveness if necessary. We want them to understand that strategy is acceptable behavior, “scheming” however; at the cost of virtue or at the cost of someone else’s human dignity is not acceptable, in our book. We want them to realize that God has a personal plan for each of them, and that the sooner they learn to TRUST in His goodness and plans for them, the sooner they will achieve true freedom of choice, which is the freedom to choose to accept God ‘s plan for us over any desires of our own.
Trust is a timeless issue for humanity. There are countless stories of promises and covenants in the bible, all requiring the element of trust. There are also countless stories of the consequences of breeches of trust, manipulation and ill contrived schemes.
In my next blog, I will explore some of the schemes, manipulations and breeches of trust found in the bible. These stories are a great treasury for parents needing examples of bad behavior, poor choices and their consequences.
Mary Kidd Flemming blogs for The Handmaids of Mercy , The Splendor of Truth and The Compass Rose (Parenting and Family Life Issues). You may also enjoy her husband's website: Crossroads Family Center The Flemming Family is facing the greatest challenge of their lives as three of their six kids have health issues and were all diagnosed within an eighth month period. The children's illnesses include: Auto-Immune Liver Disease, Type I Diabetes (insulin dependent), and Ewing's Sarcoma (a form of bone cancer). This has been an incredible journey of faith for the Flemming Family. While they don't fully understand why any of this happened to their children, they place their trust and faith totally in God's goodness. By sharing their faith journey, their hope is that other people will be drawn closer to The Holy Trinity (The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit). It is Mary's great hope that the sufferings of her children and family will be received by God for the conversion of souls. JESUS, WE TRUST in YOU!
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